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Your wife has opinions about throw pillows and you’ve had enough. The rational move is a conversation with a divorce lawyer, but you didn’t Google this looking for rational. You want her to leave on her own terms, ideally while questioning every life choice that led her to marry you. These eight approaches have a near-perfect track record of making someone pack a bag.
1. Join a Cult
Start attending mysterious meetings. Refuse to discuss what happens there. Develop a sudden attachment to white robes and begin referring to yourself exclusively as "The Vessel." Insist on replacing all family photos with portraits of a guru she’s never heard of. When she asks questions, respond only with "the elders have spoken." Most wives tolerate a lot. Cult membership tends to be where the line gets drawn.
2. Become a Flat Earther (or Worse)
Pick the most unhinged conspiracy theory you can find and make it your entire personality. Flat earth is the entry-level option. For faster results, go with something about lizard people controlling the government. Wallpaper the spare room with string and pushpins connecting newspaper clippings. Reference "the truth" at least four times per meal. She’ll start sleeping at her mother’s within the week.
3. Narrate Your Life in Third Person
"And then Dave reached for the cereal, his hand trembling with the weight of another morning." Do this constantly. At breakfast. During arguments. In bed. Describe her reactions in real time with the detached tone of a nature documentary. This one works fast because there’s no way to argue with someone who responds to "we need to talk" with "she approached him, her eyes filled with a fury he’d seen before."
4. Invest Everything in Something Absurd
Tell her you’ve put your savings into an alpaca farm. Or a cryptocurrency named after a vegetable. The specifics matter less than the commitment. Buy themed merchandise. Wear the branded hat. Talk about projected Q3 returns for your beetcoin portfolio at dinner parties. Financial recklessness wrapped in genuine enthusiasm is deeply unsettling to live with.
5. Take Up the Bagpipes
Not guitar. Not piano. Bagpipes. Practice at 6am. Practice at 11pm. Play them during phone calls with her mother. Insist you’re "getting really good" despite all evidence to the contrary. When she begs you to stop, explain that you’ve already booked your first gig (it’s a Tuesday afternoon at a pub that hasn’t confirmed yet). The bagpipes have ended more relationships than infidelity.
6. Communicate Exclusively Through Mime
Paint your face white on a Monday morning and never explain why. Respond to all verbal communication with exaggerated gestures. Mime an invisible wall whenever she tries to discuss bills, children, or your newfound silence. Attempt to mime complex emotional responses to "do you even care about this marriage?" The marriage will not survive the invisible box routine.
7. Become Aggressively Health-Conscious
Replace every item in the fridge with something fermented. Lecture her about seed oils while she’s trying to eat chips. Set an alarm for 4:30am to do cold plunges in the bathtub. Start referring to sugar as "white poison" and react to her coffee with visible disappointment. Install a pull-up bar in every doorframe. Nobody has ever been charmed into staying by unsolicited nutrition advice delivered at dawn.
8. Develop a Nemesis
Pick someone arbitrary (a neighbour, the postman, Gary from accounts) and declare them your sworn enemy. Dedicate significant time to plotting their downfall. Keep a dossier. Mutter their name while staring out of windows. When your wife asks what Gary actually did, refuse to answer because "she wouldn’t understand." A grown adult with a nemesis is exactly as exhausting to live with as it sounds.
Conclusion
Any of these will get the job done. The cult route is fastest, the bagpipes most destructive, and the third-person narration most psychologically devastating. For maximum efficiency, combine two or three. She’ll be gone before the month is out, and you’ll have the house to yourself (along with your alpaca farm investment and a really impressive mime routine).
